November 17th, 2010

"I look into your eyes and I want to believe...I want to believe you are different- that you are worth my time. But in truth I already know you are nothing but a shallowhearted girl..and I can see that by looking into those eyes."

October 10th, 2010: The beautiful letdown

Yes things have gotten better with my family life and I'm grateful. But..why...I can get along with drug dealers, ex-con's, thieves and the most ungodly people..but why am I so disliked by my fellow Christians? Put off to the point where I sometimes feel like a pitied second class human. How is it that my best friend is a man who both doesn't understand God, and doesn't believe in him- but yet his treatment towards me and the acceptance is far more then that of many Christians I have encountered...Why do God's children push me aside?


This week I was in the brink of something great- a social life. A friendly loving kind of friendlship with a sweet gorgeous heart warming girl. It's been so long since I've talked to a girl the way I did with her..and just when things were about to take off..I get led on and dumped aside. When I called here, some guy picks up instead of her then tells me its "his" phone number. So I simply took it that she simply gave me the wrong number..but now she's ignoring me. I guess its very easy to underestimate me..to just undervalue me at first glance. Staring at my own reflection, I really question why am I so unliked. Looking at my face I see that its symmetrical, I have brown eyes, wavey black hair, somewhat of a big nose, a curvy face...whats so hated about me? She was gorgeous, cute...and led me to believe that maybe someone actually caught a glance at who I was. I guess not. I guess I'm just everyone's nothing...the beautiful letdowns are the worse kind of letdowns.

September 5ht, 2010: Do the bad thing

I see...I see an open fence infront of me. There are two sides to this fence- a clean harmony side, and a darkened wordly side. The fence has always been open for me to go out as I please, but it was self-respect, knowledge of the concequence, self-worth, and a bit of cowardness..that has kept me from passing through that fence. My brother has briefly went past it to the other darkened side but came out of it-not caring for the things on the other side. Looking at my younger sister, I fear that passing through it would create a bad influence...but now I plan on crossing that other side and hiding this side from anyone else. The life on this side of the fence...its just not exciting. Plus the people on the lightened side  of the fence don't accept me no matter how pure they seem, I am dead socially and don't plan on doing much for another two seasons. So what I am thinking is...what do I have to lose?
 God tie a rope around my stomach so at least I know there is an escape. I will do the bad thing and step over to the raving, screaming, howling. drunken, and the rugged side. I am curious-I am bored and tired of the girls of this side of the fence being so..so stuck up! It pisses me off to think that angels are probably going to be this way, with thier ultra intellect, thier sound minds, thier pureness, thier natural beauty and yet despite being one of His followers I end up getting spit in the face by them...When I wanted was just a tiny bit of acceptance from them... Maybe a cheap thrill can help me. I just hope the rope around my waist doesn't get cut or that when God pulls me back, I won't end up being someone else then I was before.

August 29th 2010: Social life, please!

It would be a damn miracle for something social to suddenly happen. By social I of course mean deep relationships, dating and so forth. Today I was so close to asking....so close... But like the jittery coward that I am I quuickly retreat and don't say a thing. And let the gorgeous gal get away... *facepalm* It has been 2 years since I have been in a relationship and even that relationship lasted for exactly a month. Prior to that it was also another 2 years of inactivity. I feel stupid...I feel horrible...and like most heartbroken women I really crave icecream about now..problem is- I'm a man O_o...and we have no icecream in our house >( 
So with the lack of appetite, the exhaustion of work, and the disppointment of cowarding out...I wouldn't mind something out of the ordinary to just happen. The lesson God has taught me today was, that I am a fool- and this whole thing was my fault. "You are in control of your own distiney if you refuse my help" Obviously it didn't go well as planned...I just hope I see that gorgeous girl within the next month.....or before I lose my sanity. Cause being antisocial is really driving me crazy. Its all my fault...damnit

August 14th, 2010: Where are you, God?

I will admit that I have had friend in the past who I would talk to, but then shortly after when an occasion would occur I would be left out on purpose. I've had bestfriends who I've known for six years and would often cease to talk to me when they are dating someone. They wouldn't call, they wouldn't visit, they wouldn't even say Hi from class to class, they would act as though I did not exist to them, and most of all would greatly under value our friendship...but God, what you are doing to me-well it seems far worse.

 See before all of this, I use to believe that when everyone else abandons me that you would be there. But now it seems when things are about to go down hill, that you are the first one to leave me.  See for the last couple of months I have prayed for my family-and even at this pleaing moment nothing has gotten better. And you keep doing is trying to continue reminding me how blessed I am. I want an actual response from you, a response from my prayers! I'm tired, tired of the people who undervalue me I want to prove to them I am sure as hell something more! I am tired of my family drama for damn sakes we hardly share a laugh! I am tired of feeling alone-when you are suppose to be there. I throw burdens at you but they seem to land on me, I just want you to listen, I want a reply! My family is breaking, my mind is snapping, and my blessings are being seen as empty. I want justice to those who wronged me, I want peace from quarrels, I want to feel like I am progressing towards something rather then slowly turning into nothing. Please leave the nightmares in my unconscience world and keep them away from the awakening world. Where are you God? And why haven't you answered me?

July 31st, 2010: The Large wall

Have you ever stared up at a high obstacle? Did your neck bend back so much that it almost snapped? Were you overwhelmed by how much you would have to get through? Thats how it is going to be next week, when a procrastinator meets the very last deadline. Just thinking of the week makes me feel so tired and worn out. Its just that overwhelming.

But rather worse the thought of a near future, my families drama. I want to get out of this house, I will snap again if I don't. This is not a welcoming home, this is a cold war within turfs. Sadly in truth there is no turf for me, but for now my room is my very own escape. The mother and son relationship is close to snapping between not just me but my brother. The father and daughter relationship is blocked by a stubborn woman. The brother and sister relationship is becoming cold as one tries to escape for himself while the other wants to escape with her brother. And the individual against himself is a big challenge consisting of keeping thier composure, trying to hold a sound mind but slipping back into the real world, getting himself into one big cluster f$!#. And there is almost no escape for him within individuals around him and/or the connection within his Diety. I want a restoration before my heart goes past frustration to self destruction from all connections with everone around me.

Damn the wall, because unlike other people's wall there is no real check points for me. What I see is a future in the very long run, but for those short term check points, all there is a moment of rest and then more climbing. No event to look forward between them, no one to help, just yourself and the blood covered hands to keep climbing...and where falling is not listed as an option.

July 29th, 2010: Facepalm to social life

I really really am passionately agitated lately. I mean *facedesk* ...its just hopeless. I've been attemting to start some sort of social connection but all seems to fail. In explanation: The good girls hate the good guys, the bad girls screw over the good guys, the good guys in the end are just f$!#ed...And for the good girls, they either go out with an extreme SOB and fall in love with them, or they end up with a "Win++" guy who is so way up there, that hes like a Huge rock diamond in ontop of dirt (that being average guys). And of course I am the one in the very middle, not only do I see buffed, rugged men getting the girls, but I see slow, drool faced, wife-beater wearing idiots getting girls as well. Even the blasted stay at home, DnD nerds are on it.

/sigh     And of course I am the one attracting the type of girls I absolutely do not care for. You know the type that speak thier own langauge, that have kids, that wear tight jeans that ride mid hip, that listen to reggaton and rap...if your guessing ghetto black chicks your sort of right, but really I meant los latinas. I absolutely try to avoid dating my own kind. Due to flaws that I have seen in my father's life, and because I am afraid that one day I will end up being another pissed off spanish dad. And that is not my intended future.

This whole trying to socialize is a bloody waste! I look at the girls of my generation and I almost slightly beg that I turn gay. They lack in self-respect, they follow countless trends, they go out with complete idiots and blame all guys for it (when in truth they made an obvious horrible choice "If it looks like jerk, talks like a jerk and walks like a jerk-it is a Jerk! Not a bloody Prince Charming!! >=O  )       Not to mention that some girls believe they can magically change a dirty, bad thug into a proper respectful man-and to that I say "FAIL!" And damn Disney for ever making those stupid unrealistic movies that suddenly drive girls to be stupid! And to continue on: They have horrible taste in music, they get easily attatched to jerks but turn down truthful nice descent men just as easily, they don't think at all about thier future, the good ones are either tooken or gay or mind blind or just very strange to an unapproachable way.

What I wish is for an obsession! I want to go to school, I want to pretend there is no such thing as a social life in the world, I want to become over obsessed with my career path and learn every last bloody thing from it. So please God, contiune cursing me socially so when I step into a bloody classroom all the students will look at me and mark me as the antisocial, stranger, freakish man. So they would do to me as I have experienced all my life and leave me be. Leave me bymyself in lunch rooms, leave me in a by myself in group assignments, and most of all letting them avoid eye contact with me. Because I am quiet, because I don't speak! Because I am self-respecting and turn down all the weed! So that maybe one day...I will be sucessful, not in some blasted Disney movie type of way, but in a "Hey I am still young, I am still single, I am making more then a descent salery, I am doing actual exciting stuff, I am creating amazing projects, I have met amazing well-known people from all over the world, I am wise, I am gentle, I am now powerful, and I am myself" And when that day approaches, when people realize this-I will be nowhere to be found.

July 27th, 2010: Antisocial

Its surprising that I can still hold somewhat composure over myself...but thats slowly dying away believe me. I am the most anti-social person I have ever met. So far this year I have not met anyone with little amount of friends as I have. I am alone. And its surprising that I have managed to surpress the thoughts for so long, that I have ignored the thought for so long. Trying to avoid it from surfacing. But even so forth that I have yet to experience depression soon. Is there really something wrong with me? Why is it that my most beloved friends let me down like my value was as good as a street bum?

 It haunts me really, how misunderstood I am. To explain this easier, I have not done anything socially for over 8 months, I currently have only 1 friend (those of whom I associate at least a weekly basis)  and 0 friends within the floridean area. I hide my mind behind the flushes of alternate reality, being in games and dream. "XD how is it possible to have a sad life AND a crappy gearscore? It should be crappy life and good gearscore, not both!" That statement is true. Its been over 2 years since I've done anything romantically, not to mention before being a flavor of the month for some girl, I had been single 2 years before that. My family is all thats left, but I'm too busy drowning myself. I'm alone and I'm starting to believe that this antisocialness of mine is going to contribute to the slow fading of my rational mind. Especially when your value have been by a good hearted friend whom just thinks your a burden in thier way. My composure is wearing out, so is my mind. 

July 16th, 2010: Fourth trip to chicago

Is it normal to dream good dreams when one is under a  lot of stress. Because I have been having wierd dreams during this present time of struggle. I woke up feeling like a man who came from the sky hitting the pavement with full force and feeling every bone in thier body shatter. For even though in reality I have only visited it once, in truth I have been there unconsciencely 3 other times, in my sleep. To me it is my ultimate youthful goal to go back and live there. And then I believe from there my world will expand even more then just a state, then just one nation..

It was a strange dream, but I was happy during every moment of it. I was nervous for awhile but happy. I was living in Chicago, I would take it but the area I was staying in that it was my appartment. After dressing myself up, slipping my socks and boots, putting a descent pair of dress pants, and placing my heavy coat over the shirt and tie. I jolted off out the door into the cool warm day (just as I remembered it when I actually visit it) And I began walking to a great old friend of mine. When I arrived at the door, her younger brother was there to greet me, he was surprised to see me and likewise I was happy to see him. For her, she was per say "questioning" why I was there, I guess I simply told her I was staying her for awhile. We talked and caught up what has been happening with our lives, then we headed out to the park nearby, taking a soccer ball and a baseball. She questioned if I should play in dressed up clothing, but I just shrugged and went onto playing. It was summer in chicago but it felt like fall to me, it was peaceful, friendly people. My heart was blissful, I wish I could have stayed. We headed back to her home and talked a bit. She said I shouldn't really be there without her moms approval first. I pulled my collar forgetting the impression I could leave with her mom, and so I headed to the door ready to leave. That was until her mom opened the door and saw me, she looked at me shocked then looked around the house and at her children. She screamed at them for not cleaning the house prior to guests arriving, I was frankly shocked as to think she wasn't mad at me at all for showing up unexpectly. But what shocked me more is that she welcomed me in, she was happy to see me there. We all had a great conversation, and she smiled blissfully. It was just perfect. Then night time came and I waved goobye shyly to Em, I still think the same way of her as I did in sophmore year, but she secretly doesn.t know that. I held my coat closely around me, looked into the light filled night and walked home alone....

Chicago is an amzing place, it has such a rich culture there, it has a vast amount of entertainment, good people, and my love is there. All that is really left down here is the pursuit of a cheap education, if I stay down here too long,  my heart will whither, I will grow bitter and hate again.

July 3rd, 2010:Lukewarm

I hate lukewarm..I really do. Grey is not my favorite color at all, its a bad place to be. My mom, shes really luke warm, my life is lukewarm. And I think I am lukewarm, Why can't I be below 0* or above 180*? Even my favorite color is considered lukewarm, that being green (combination of warm color yellow and cool color blue)..

My life is in an uttermess (hot), but it could be far worse (cold).

I was born and lived my life under bad conditions (hot), but its that bad any more (cold).

My mom has done so much to give us this great life of ours (cold), but sheesh-shes like the spawn of satan often in her thoughts and actions (hot).

I dislike lukewarm becasue its almost like being a poor middle class worker-in that your paying for your bills just barely and have a job. But unlike the poor your not getting any benefits such as food stamps or unemployement checks and unlike the rich, you have no extra money to spend on luxuries. Sad to say but theres allot of people who would rather remain unemployed because it benefits more then landing a job (which I blame those employers who pay thier workers jack crap to do a job that requires 5 men, way to take advantage of an economic disaster you S.O.B's)

I can even admit that my spiritual journey is lukewarm. I hate that I try to be a great follower but at the same during God-striking moments I can be a spawn of satan myself when it comes to being ticked off (easily ticked)
I smile and not ashame to say that I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, but I am ashamed when my actuions say differently, when my pride stands infront of that. But hey in my defense (even though its pointless to put a defense before someone who is always right) I need my pride, I have gotten tired of being walked upon by so many. I display a sweet Christ-like character so that I could share God's glory, not so I can take a bloody bashing from people who want me to do everything for them.

....but I guess the real over all statement I want to make is..please give me a position of being very numbing cold or to be blistering hot. I don't want to be lukewarm, I hate it- and I don't understand it.

On the side note-thank you to the viewers who have seen this, it has increased my view count by 10, and my view count is actually 104, which means that 96 times I have looked at it myself...so its nice to know I am quite self-centered -_-... then again my blogging does suck.

July 2nd, 2010

Bloody hell...it saddens to see-I mean how should one feel when they see someone older then them seem less mature then them? A mom shoplifting infront of her 4 year old child and to even teach the child how to steal? I am saddened. Saddened that a man of my own generation would have more self-respect and more knowledge to see she is wrong, you have a child your suppose to be responsible and love them. (blurt out this part due to excess language)   But not only that. I need to break out of my social shell. I've been almost isolated from all my previous freinds and I believe I have not done anything with friends since November. Its funny how its the right ones that avoid me...the good hearted, God loving, the sound minded. Its like running from the devils, but being pushed away by the Angels. I am running away from my generations curse, I want to be better I want to follow Christ! But why is it that it seems that his followers spit in my face. Bloody corruption of this world has blinded us. And I am one of a few who have a right eye to see through it. I am alone, in a worldly sense of way, but I am never alone in a Christ sense of way...why can't his most elect see me the way He does...I just want to get back on my feet and go back to walking, why push me down? God grant me strength to bear this.

June 27th, 2010: The Past

It seems like within the last month there has been a turn in things. I wished this could of happened last year or even  better yet the Junior Year of Highschool. Starting with my acceptance that Columbia Chicago College will have to wait for another-who knows when, years.
 Shortly after, out of the knowledge that I will be in Florida much longer then expected (And the bloody dreaful heat down here) I cut my hair right away.

Then I went on to looking into St Pete College and possibly studying in an old time desired careeer in Engineering (towards mechanical). After my mom had broken my arm I have began challenging a great fear of mine- driving. I was terrified for my own life everytime I stood behind the driver seat, afraid that I will either be hit or be the one hitting.

 And rescently I have eh forgiven someone who I had greatly hated passionately for the last year (6 years of being bestfriends, betrayed for thier new friend). And I have decided to go back to pursuing a Godly way, to avoid spitting back to the faces of those who did me wrong but instead to wipe off the spit, keep a straight face and continue walking foward. Ignoring the hateful remarks said to me but not ignoring the voice of God's Spirit.

It is tough because I still feel like the world wants to look down on me, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed to just scream and knock things over. But I will take to knowledge and in my own doings put Christ as my priority. And I will try as much as an effort as I can to put away the old me, and to go with the Christ. Maybe then the residue of the bitterness will finally be gone. Maybe all grudges will be in a sea of forgetfulness. I am changing, I am walking,  and I hope the day comes when I will not feel self righteous over the title of being called a Christian nor that I would feel shameful for such an undeserved title. Maybe one day I will smile because I know Christ knows me. And that my heart has fully surrender to His will.

June 25th, 2010: Muses

Its funny how my inspiration tends to work, there can't ever be a day when I am uninspired. Either I am inspired by something great, joyful, blissful and loving or I could be inspired by a dark, hateful, vengeful, angry feelings. Its as though I have personal muses that visit me at certain times of my life. They inspire me to write, to observe, to create, and to hate. But lately it seems that a sleeping muse is about to wake, its been 2 years since our last encounter which was only a month. Shortly after the muse of grief followed. But it looks like a soon awakening of a muse. I just hope that if this does occur that it will last more then a month. Even though I have said I'm better off alone, in truth you can't have even 1/4 the fun by yourself. Can't wait to see my old friend again..To the sleeping Muse, you'd best hope its going to be worth our time.

June 19th, 2010

Just when I was so close to forgiving. Just when I was close to give in and to let go of the grudges, looking back at them... F#*k it. I'm going to forgive them, but I don't want them to ever know that I did so. It would be best to avoid them all together. Its obvious they haven't changed either.

June 19th, 2010

How is one suppose to to react to being betrayed by one's best friend? How is one suppose to stay mad at them but at the same time being continuously reminded of the best times spent with them? When they were the most valued friend suddenly becoming a hated traitor the next moment? When the memories pains you both consciencely and unconsciencely? Its not that I am searching for a way to forgive the backslahing, or to let go of the grudge, but rather how am I suppose to forget a great friend that had impacted my life so well but backstabbed me in the end? If I could forget thier names, maybe I would be a happier man. If they didn't do it, I would have been much happier...we could of had fun, we could shared thousands of more laughs, millions of more memories but...but they made thier choice.

June 15th,2010

"Our televisions saw the red mist yesterday by playing reruns of  all the soap opras we hate, and then they played songs of praise. Its just another sorry Sunday" - Sunday by the Wombats. (Not related to the message)

Musing about something that doesn't exist. Ignoring something that does. I strongly dislike good dreams, it gives me a warm feeling despite that the reality is, that it never happened and it never will.

April 17th, 2010

Despite seeing the amazing, holy matremony of marriage and its great sanctity....despite understanding the amazing love that two lovers could have. Despite all these great and wonderful heart warming events. For some reason I feel as though I would be happier if this never happened to me-better yet disturbed at the thought of me getting married and how it would turn out. I honestly think its an amazing thing and slightly envy those who do get married...but Its hard now at this moment to see myself in the groom shoes going through all of that. It might not be right for me.

April 12th, 2010

Question for myself each day :  What did I do today that will help me move out of Tampa Bay?

April 8th

With all that is going on, who needs them? I am better off on my own and I'm still going to pretend I have 57 more years of life left. My only concern is that I get somewhere very very soon. Because this is driving me nuts. I am claiming my career to be the most important thing to pursue right now (esp since everyone else is pursuing something else) But I am still coming short handed on my own statements.

March 27, 2010

Quotations from a very important man.

“Yes I have traveled across to the very edges of the world. Seeing many things that only few eyes had ever seen. Yes with my suit and neck tie on did I experience this adventurous journey. But even in moments of looking up at the sky or gazing at the view of the marvels of the world. Yes even in these moments, did I realize I am unimpressed with it. But the thought of coming home ravels me. Because nothing is clearly as impressive or puts me in such aw as you…You don’ts see it but please take it from a man who has seen the world, this statement is true.” -Mr. Micos

March 19th, 2010

Not to be a political runt but I think there should be a separation of state and corporate.

March 17th, 2010

Do I have such a harden heart as to turn my back from my father? Have I really gone this far from who I was? Or was I always this way and it only revealed to me at this very moment? Allot of bad things are about to occur, I don't know how to feel about it. Whats happen to me?

March 13th, 2010

There is nothing right in my life. What is truth anymore? Almost every aspect is either severely inflicted or broken. God why do you allow such horrible things to happen to people but yet when it comes to pursue of ones dreams you seem to shun it down  and ignore the request. When you hear me and answer me, maybe then I will begin following you again. I still believe in you but do you really believe in me?

March 9th, 2010

Looking back at my past do I realize how much has changed. How much people have changed, how many friends came and gone, how my enemies came and left. How I have changed, and how much of my past memories were left behind. But after recalling my past do I realize just how much I want to forget it all. I just hope my future will be a great and memorable one. Just like I expect one day to look at these posts and realize how much I have changed.

March 8th, 2010

Everything comes to an end. I just hope I can reach the beginning again.

March 7th, 2010

"If the world says its right, then most likely its completely wrong" I love my sunday school class especially with these evening meetings for The Truth Project. Some subjects that we have touched on I already knew about before but with the Truth Project there is a new way of seeing it aswell as more in depth details that has become an eye opener. Today we discussed about Evil and what it is, who is man, why there is evil in the world, basically all sorts of interesting stuff. But most of all seriously I enjoy being with my group who make me feel happy that I am not a part of this world,  that I'm not the only one who can see, and its my only two hours of my week where I experience pure truth in God. I just wish I could say that about my day to day life, but....I guess then again thats why my eyes were open. My only regret is not waking up with that same feeling.

March 6th, 20010

Yes its true, my inspiration is a bad Muse. Violent and devious because of the color yellow. If I have lost you by now then my job here is half-done not half-incomplete.  But secretly, kniht uoy tahw neht egassem eht ot erom si ereht <('.' <).

March 4th, 2010

Truth, why is it that no one ever likes the simple truth? Why is it that in our generation that an overworded complicated lie is accepted over the truth? Does adding more words to it some how makes it more true? when its just easier to say that its just a lie. Blind I tell you, my generation has become blind, they love to hear lies and become fake to themselves yet when comfronted with someone who knows truth and speaks truth they cast them out like freaks if not to a lower level. Eating lies up but running away from what is true! And just for your information this isn't just about God or Jesus Christ but rather all truth. I just wish I didn't feel like the only one who could see.

February 25th, 2010

Today...today was a strange day. It was both happy, bad, and sad all at once...and of course it was completely entertaining. Its a cliche but so true the phrase "You would be surprised of how strange and different people are who go to supermarkets"...No! not the bloody, whitebread supermarkets, not a Publix. But an actual supermarket that holds the melting pot of america. As a cashier you will see many perspectives through out your workday (unless your a tunnel vision type). Today I had seen the friendly go getting old drinkers. The extremist of anti-technology/ anti-political man who would like to see some figures crucified. I saw two stuck up dope heads who I couldn't help but look down on. (Honestly one could not help but to look down despite thier nose pointing up). I've seen the old fashion elderly who have seen it all. And of course we cannot forget the smelly, unatttractive old lady who bought so many unhealthy products that is sure to be the death of her. Despite the unappealing picture that seems painted before me, instead of making me feel stongly negative about the world, I feel actually happy about it. Somehow a beaten, bloodied up picture is seen as hope in my eyes. That this world is not really that bad. But rather more cleverly written by its Creator. But that feeling quickly left after I passed by my former highschool. My own generation is one of two things that can really tick me off. I guess I am no different then all these strange folks at my supermarket.

February 23rd, 2010

I might actuall have another chance, a second chance at pursuing my education. I have grown lost and frustrated over our financial issues but now the college of my dreams has notify me that I can still go in for Fall of 2010. Before I had been deeply worried that I may ultimately have to end up in the military in order to pursue a descent future. But in truth, I fear that joining the military would break a part of me that has become an obsession. With thier mind breaking capabilities I was worried I would lose my gift to create if I were to join. Columbia College Chicago is were ultimate dreams rest, where I can see myself in the next 4 years happy regardless how cold or how difficult things may be. This is my future and I will pursue and be ultimately successful at the end.