Have you ever stared up at a high obstacle? Did your neck bend back so much that it almost snapped? Were you overwhelmed by how much you would have to get through? Thats how it is going to be next week, when a procrastinator meets the very last deadline. Just thinking of the week makes me feel so tired and worn out. Its just that overwhelming.
But rather worse the thought of a near future, my families drama. I want to get out of this house, I will snap again if I don't. This is not a welcoming home, this is a cold war within turfs. Sadly in truth there is no turf for me, but for now my room is my very own escape. The mother and son relationship is close to snapping between not just me but my brother. The father and daughter relationship is blocked by a stubborn woman. The brother and sister relationship is becoming cold as one tries to escape for himself while the other wants to escape with her brother. And the individual against himself is a big challenge consisting of keeping thier composure, trying to hold a sound mind but slipping back into the real world, getting himself into one big cluster f$!#. And there is almost no escape for him within individuals around him and/or the connection within his Diety. I want a restoration before my heart goes past frustration to self destruction from all connections with everone around me.
Damn the wall, because unlike other people's wall there is no real check points for me. What I see is a future in the very long run, but for those short term check points, all there is a moment of rest and then more climbing. No event to look forward between them, no one to help, just yourself and the blood covered hands to keep climbing...and where falling is not listed as an option.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
July 29th, 2010: Facepalm to social life
I really really am passionately agitated lately. I mean *facedesk* ...its just hopeless. I've been attemting to start some sort of social connection but all seems to fail. In explanation: The good girls hate the good guys, the bad girls screw over the good guys, the good guys in the end are just f$!#ed...And for the good girls, they either go out with an extreme SOB and fall in love with them, or they end up with a "Win++" guy who is so way up there, that hes like a Huge rock diamond in ontop of dirt (that being average guys). And of course I am the one in the very middle, not only do I see buffed, rugged men getting the girls, but I see slow, drool faced, wife-beater wearing idiots getting girls as well. Even the blasted stay at home, DnD nerds are on it.
/sigh And of course I am the one attracting the type of girls I absolutely do not care for. You know the type that speak thier own langauge, that have kids, that wear tight jeans that ride mid hip, that listen to reggaton and rap...if your guessing ghetto black chicks your sort of right, but really I meant los latinas. I absolutely try to avoid dating my own kind. Due to flaws that I have seen in my father's life, and because I am afraid that one day I will end up being another pissed off spanish dad. And that is not my intended future.
This whole trying to socialize is a bloody waste! I look at the girls of my generation and I almost slightly beg that I turn gay. They lack in self-respect, they follow countless trends, they go out with complete idiots and blame all guys for it (when in truth they made an obvious horrible choice "If it looks like jerk, talks like a jerk and walks like a jerk-it is a Jerk! Not a bloody Prince Charming!! >=O ) Not to mention that some girls believe they can magically change a dirty, bad thug into a proper respectful man-and to that I say "FAIL!" And damn Disney for ever making those stupid unrealistic movies that suddenly drive girls to be stupid! And to continue on: They have horrible taste in music, they get easily attatched to jerks but turn down truthful nice descent men just as easily, they don't think at all about thier future, the good ones are either tooken or gay or mind blind or just very strange to an unapproachable way.
What I wish is for an obsession! I want to go to school, I want to pretend there is no such thing as a social life in the world, I want to become over obsessed with my career path and learn every last bloody thing from it. So please God, contiune cursing me socially so when I step into a bloody classroom all the students will look at me and mark me as the antisocial, stranger, freakish man. So they would do to me as I have experienced all my life and leave me be. Leave me bymyself in lunch rooms, leave me in a by myself in group assignments, and most of all letting them avoid eye contact with me. Because I am quiet, because I don't speak! Because I am self-respecting and turn down all the weed! So that maybe one day...I will be sucessful, not in some blasted Disney movie type of way, but in a "Hey I am still young, I am still single, I am making more then a descent salery, I am doing actual exciting stuff, I am creating amazing projects, I have met amazing well-known people from all over the world, I am wise, I am gentle, I am now powerful, and I am myself" And when that day approaches, when people realize this-I will be nowhere to be found.
/sigh And of course I am the one attracting the type of girls I absolutely do not care for. You know the type that speak thier own langauge, that have kids, that wear tight jeans that ride mid hip, that listen to reggaton and rap...if your guessing ghetto black chicks your sort of right, but really I meant los latinas. I absolutely try to avoid dating my own kind. Due to flaws that I have seen in my father's life, and because I am afraid that one day I will end up being another pissed off spanish dad. And that is not my intended future.
This whole trying to socialize is a bloody waste! I look at the girls of my generation and I almost slightly beg that I turn gay. They lack in self-respect, they follow countless trends, they go out with complete idiots and blame all guys for it (when in truth they made an obvious horrible choice "If it looks like jerk, talks like a jerk and walks like a jerk-it is a Jerk! Not a bloody Prince Charming!! >=O ) Not to mention that some girls believe they can magically change a dirty, bad thug into a proper respectful man-and to that I say "FAIL!" And damn Disney for ever making those stupid unrealistic movies that suddenly drive girls to be stupid! And to continue on: They have horrible taste in music, they get easily attatched to jerks but turn down truthful nice descent men just as easily, they don't think at all about thier future, the good ones are either tooken or gay or mind blind or just very strange to an unapproachable way.
What I wish is for an obsession! I want to go to school, I want to pretend there is no such thing as a social life in the world, I want to become over obsessed with my career path and learn every last bloody thing from it. So please God, contiune cursing me socially so when I step into a bloody classroom all the students will look at me and mark me as the antisocial, stranger, freakish man. So they would do to me as I have experienced all my life and leave me be. Leave me bymyself in lunch rooms, leave me in a by myself in group assignments, and most of all letting them avoid eye contact with me. Because I am quiet, because I don't speak! Because I am self-respecting and turn down all the weed! So that maybe one day...I will be sucessful, not in some blasted Disney movie type of way, but in a "Hey I am still young, I am still single, I am making more then a descent salery, I am doing actual exciting stuff, I am creating amazing projects, I have met amazing well-known people from all over the world, I am wise, I am gentle, I am now powerful, and I am myself" And when that day approaches, when people realize this-I will be nowhere to be found.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
July 27th, 2010: Antisocial
Its surprising that I can still hold somewhat composure over myself...but thats slowly dying away believe me. I am the most anti-social person I have ever met. So far this year I have not met anyone with little amount of friends as I have. I am alone. And its surprising that I have managed to surpress the thoughts for so long, that I have ignored the thought for so long. Trying to avoid it from surfacing. But even so forth that I have yet to experience depression soon. Is there really something wrong with me? Why is it that my most beloved friends let me down like my value was as good as a street bum?
It haunts me really, how misunderstood I am. To explain this easier, I have not done anything socially for over 8 months, I currently have only 1 friend (those of whom I associate at least a weekly basis) and 0 friends within the floridean area. I hide my mind behind the flushes of alternate reality, being in games and dream. "XD how is it possible to have a sad life AND a crappy gearscore? It should be crappy life and good gearscore, not both!" That statement is true. Its been over 2 years since I've done anything romantically, not to mention before being a flavor of the month for some girl, I had been single 2 years before that. My family is all thats left, but I'm too busy drowning myself. I'm alone and I'm starting to believe that this antisocialness of mine is going to contribute to the slow fading of my rational mind. Especially when your value have been by a good hearted friend whom just thinks your a burden in thier way. My composure is wearing out, so is my mind.
It haunts me really, how misunderstood I am. To explain this easier, I have not done anything socially for over 8 months, I currently have only 1 friend (those of whom I associate at least a weekly basis) and 0 friends within the floridean area. I hide my mind behind the flushes of alternate reality, being in games and dream. "XD how is it possible to have a sad life AND a crappy gearscore? It should be crappy life and good gearscore, not both!" That statement is true. Its been over 2 years since I've done anything romantically, not to mention before being a flavor of the month for some girl, I had been single 2 years before that. My family is all thats left, but I'm too busy drowning myself. I'm alone and I'm starting to believe that this antisocialness of mine is going to contribute to the slow fading of my rational mind. Especially when your value have been by a good hearted friend whom just thinks your a burden in thier way. My composure is wearing out, so is my mind.
Friday, July 16, 2010
July 16th, 2010: Fourth trip to chicago
Is it normal to dream good dreams when one is under a lot of stress. Because I have been having wierd dreams during this present time of struggle. I woke up feeling like a man who came from the sky hitting the pavement with full force and feeling every bone in thier body shatter. For even though in reality I have only visited it once, in truth I have been there unconsciencely 3 other times, in my sleep. To me it is my ultimate youthful goal to go back and live there. And then I believe from there my world will expand even more then just a state, then just one nation..
It was a strange dream, but I was happy during every moment of it. I was nervous for awhile but happy. I was living in Chicago, I would take it but the area I was staying in that it was my appartment. After dressing myself up, slipping my socks and boots, putting a descent pair of dress pants, and placing my heavy coat over the shirt and tie. I jolted off out the door into the cool warm day (just as I remembered it when I actually visit it) And I began walking to a great old friend of mine. When I arrived at the door, her younger brother was there to greet me, he was surprised to see me and likewise I was happy to see him. For her, she was per say "questioning" why I was there, I guess I simply told her I was staying her for awhile. We talked and caught up what has been happening with our lives, then we headed out to the park nearby, taking a soccer ball and a baseball. She questioned if I should play in dressed up clothing, but I just shrugged and went onto playing. It was summer in chicago but it felt like fall to me, it was peaceful, friendly people. My heart was blissful, I wish I could have stayed. We headed back to her home and talked a bit. She said I shouldn't really be there without her moms approval first. I pulled my collar forgetting the impression I could leave with her mom, and so I headed to the door ready to leave. That was until her mom opened the door and saw me, she looked at me shocked then looked around the house and at her children. She screamed at them for not cleaning the house prior to guests arriving, I was frankly shocked as to think she wasn't mad at me at all for showing up unexpectly. But what shocked me more is that she welcomed me in, she was happy to see me there. We all had a great conversation, and she smiled blissfully. It was just perfect. Then night time came and I waved goobye shyly to Em, I still think the same way of her as I did in sophmore year, but she secretly doesn.t know that. I held my coat closely around me, looked into the light filled night and walked home alone....
Chicago is an amzing place, it has such a rich culture there, it has a vast amount of entertainment, good people, and my love is there. All that is really left down here is the pursuit of a cheap education, if I stay down here too long, my heart will whither, I will grow bitter and hate again.
It was a strange dream, but I was happy during every moment of it. I was nervous for awhile but happy. I was living in Chicago, I would take it but the area I was staying in that it was my appartment. After dressing myself up, slipping my socks and boots, putting a descent pair of dress pants, and placing my heavy coat over the shirt and tie. I jolted off out the door into the cool warm day (just as I remembered it when I actually visit it) And I began walking to a great old friend of mine. When I arrived at the door, her younger brother was there to greet me, he was surprised to see me and likewise I was happy to see him. For her, she was per say "questioning" why I was there, I guess I simply told her I was staying her for awhile. We talked and caught up what has been happening with our lives, then we headed out to the park nearby, taking a soccer ball and a baseball. She questioned if I should play in dressed up clothing, but I just shrugged and went onto playing. It was summer in chicago but it felt like fall to me, it was peaceful, friendly people. My heart was blissful, I wish I could have stayed. We headed back to her home and talked a bit. She said I shouldn't really be there without her moms approval first. I pulled my collar forgetting the impression I could leave with her mom, and so I headed to the door ready to leave. That was until her mom opened the door and saw me, she looked at me shocked then looked around the house and at her children. She screamed at them for not cleaning the house prior to guests arriving, I was frankly shocked as to think she wasn't mad at me at all for showing up unexpectly. But what shocked me more is that she welcomed me in, she was happy to see me there. We all had a great conversation, and she smiled blissfully. It was just perfect. Then night time came and I waved goobye shyly to Em, I still think the same way of her as I did in sophmore year, but she secretly doesn.t know that. I held my coat closely around me, looked into the light filled night and walked home alone....
Chicago is an amzing place, it has such a rich culture there, it has a vast amount of entertainment, good people, and my love is there. All that is really left down here is the pursuit of a cheap education, if I stay down here too long, my heart will whither, I will grow bitter and hate again.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
July 3rd, 2010:Lukewarm
I hate lukewarm..I really do. Grey is not my favorite color at all, its a bad place to be. My mom, shes really luke warm, my life is lukewarm. And I think I am lukewarm, Why can't I be below 0* or above 180*? Even my favorite color is considered lukewarm, that being green (combination of warm color yellow and cool color blue)..
My life is in an uttermess (hot), but it could be far worse (cold).
I was born and lived my life under bad conditions (hot), but its that bad any more (cold).
My mom has done so much to give us this great life of ours (cold), but sheesh-shes like the spawn of satan often in her thoughts and actions (hot).
I dislike lukewarm becasue its almost like being a poor middle class worker-in that your paying for your bills just barely and have a job. But unlike the poor your not getting any benefits such as food stamps or unemployement checks and unlike the rich, you have no extra money to spend on luxuries. Sad to say but theres allot of people who would rather remain unemployed because it benefits more then landing a job (which I blame those employers who pay thier workers jack crap to do a job that requires 5 men, way to take advantage of an economic disaster you S.O.B's)
I can even admit that my spiritual journey is lukewarm. I hate that I try to be a great follower but at the same during God-striking moments I can be a spawn of satan myself when it comes to being ticked off (easily ticked)
I smile and not ashame to say that I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, but I am ashamed when my actuions say differently, when my pride stands infront of that. But hey in my defense (even though its pointless to put a defense before someone who is always right) I need my pride, I have gotten tired of being walked upon by so many. I display a sweet Christ-like character so that I could share God's glory, not so I can take a bloody bashing from people who want me to do everything for them.
....but I guess the real over all statement I want to make is..please give me a position of being very numbing cold or to be blistering hot. I don't want to be lukewarm, I hate it- and I don't understand it.
On the side note-thank you to the viewers who have seen this, it has increased my view count by 10, and my view count is actually 104, which means that 96 times I have looked at it myself...so its nice to know I am quite self-centered -_-... then again my blogging does suck.
My life is in an uttermess (hot), but it could be far worse (cold).
I was born and lived my life under bad conditions (hot), but its that bad any more (cold).
My mom has done so much to give us this great life of ours (cold), but sheesh-shes like the spawn of satan often in her thoughts and actions (hot).
I dislike lukewarm becasue its almost like being a poor middle class worker-in that your paying for your bills just barely and have a job. But unlike the poor your not getting any benefits such as food stamps or unemployement checks and unlike the rich, you have no extra money to spend on luxuries. Sad to say but theres allot of people who would rather remain unemployed because it benefits more then landing a job (which I blame those employers who pay thier workers jack crap to do a job that requires 5 men, way to take advantage of an economic disaster you S.O.B's)
I can even admit that my spiritual journey is lukewarm. I hate that I try to be a great follower but at the same during God-striking moments I can be a spawn of satan myself when it comes to being ticked off (easily ticked)
I smile and not ashame to say that I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ, but I am ashamed when my actuions say differently, when my pride stands infront of that. But hey in my defense (even though its pointless to put a defense before someone who is always right) I need my pride, I have gotten tired of being walked upon by so many. I display a sweet Christ-like character so that I could share God's glory, not so I can take a bloody bashing from people who want me to do everything for them.
....but I guess the real over all statement I want to make is..please give me a position of being very numbing cold or to be blistering hot. I don't want to be lukewarm, I hate it- and I don't understand it.
On the side note-thank you to the viewers who have seen this, it has increased my view count by 10, and my view count is actually 104, which means that 96 times I have looked at it myself...so its nice to know I am quite self-centered -_-... then again my blogging does suck.
Friday, July 2, 2010
July 2nd, 2010
Bloody hell...it saddens to see-I mean how should one feel when they see someone older then them seem less mature then them? A mom shoplifting infront of her 4 year old child and to even teach the child how to steal? I am saddened. Saddened that a man of my own generation would have more self-respect and more knowledge to see she is wrong, you have a child your suppose to be responsible and love them. (blurt out this part due to excess language) But not only that. I need to break out of my social shell. I've been almost isolated from all my previous freinds and I believe I have not done anything with friends since November. Its funny how its the right ones that avoid me...the good hearted, God loving, the sound minded. Its like running from the devils, but being pushed away by the Angels. I am running away from my generations curse, I want to be better I want to follow Christ! But why is it that it seems that his followers spit in my face. Bloody corruption of this world has blinded us. And I am one of a few who have a right eye to see through it. I am alone, in a worldly sense of way, but I am never alone in a Christ sense of way...why can't his most elect see me the way He does...I just want to get back on my feet and go back to walking, why push me down? God grant me strength to bear this.
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