The thoughts which came through my head as I had watched my father passed away was that life is cruel, that life holds no mercy towards even good men. He was so weak and frail, barely holding in there as his lungs were being pumped by a machine and his eyes shut with deep dark bags under them, he was in pitiful shape- the worst I have ever seen him, and I held onto his hand till they grew cold...
As I attempted to go about my daily routine, to try to put that tragedy behind me and not think about it...I was reminded of his character, his traits, his personality, his virtues and what made him the person he is. What I've learned is...is that kindness does not belong in this world, it has no place in this world, yes one can see nurturing hearts within animals but what of kindness? And that it is a weakness, to express kindness is to express weakness...maybe that's taking things too far but that's what the world is telling me, that's how the world is responding, and that's the truth it's screaming at me as I try to ignore it. Kindness does not belong here, kindness is a weakness.
Years. My father spent much of his time only expressing kindness and look where it got him...he's dead, he had a poor man's funeral, his late girlfriend may as well be suspected the murderer considering how many dead husbands she's gone through over the years and in the end she denied him as being anything significant to her, in his life he was divorced after two years, had his own son taken away thousands of miles with only ever being seen every few summers. And as for his son, his seed, his last remaining legacy....well that's another tragic tale to run it's course. And all he's ever expressed was joy, compassion, and kindness towards others...it is a weakness, it is not rewarded, it is merely a floor mat for others to step on.
It is a weakness...As a worker I do much to take into consideration not only to the customer's needs but even those of my associates, I carry much weight on my shoulders each day in order to help, to be considerate, to do the right thing, in order to express 'kindness'. Today I learned- today I am reminded that kindness is not well received in this world, I'm not asking for a reward, to bring any sort of self-glory, and not really any thank yous either...I'm just asking that it's either returned, or that it is passed on. What I've seen is that it does nothing to stir the hearts. When I'm kind I am not a person, not another human being with his own life and his own experiences...No, I am a sub-human, a lesser weaker being, I am not to be taken seriously, I am not to be feared or respected. I am a lesser being. I am a weaker being...so the world says.
The whispers in my head repeat it over and over, reminds me again and again that Kindness does not belong in our society, does not belong in our world, it is a symptom of weakness...it is a weakness. And I prayed that the fruits that grow of my tree will stop producing it, that I may produce instead the rotted fruits of greed, bitterness, anger and hatred- that all the good fruits should be replaced with these vile fruits. And as I speak to a stranger in one of the most unfriendliest places in the world...I was reminded that kindness is much a part of me as I was to my father. And that the only way to stop that fruit from growing is to just...remove myself entirely. It is much a part of me, it is my natural response, it is a fragment of my very soul...it is a weakness. And I do not belong here.
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