January 29th, 2017: Mind over Heart , Logic and Love

The heart is truly corrupted, it hungers wishes to devour all that comes within it's path. It loves to love, it loves too much, and I'm not certain if these emotions I'm often left with is in fact love itself. But for some reason I feel a growing powerful emotion for people who really shouldn't matter to me, to people who aren't even in my sphere of life. Beautiful women with beautiful eyes, beautiful minds, such a wonder and in my heart all I feel is this powerful urge to consume them whole, to merge- to be one with them. So many of them. And yet not by my heart but through the thin line of logic in my mind I know the only one who I truly love is the same one I wish to spend each night with alone. My beloved, I don't deserve her and yet I will work hard so hard to prove myself wrong. And yet while I am loved and I also love, my heart still wonders of the many possibilities of life with someone else. I love her but not with my heart, the heart is corrupt, but the mind- my mind it can be trusted. Love with logic, not with emotion.

Sunday, August 7th 2016: The calm in the storm

Sometimes I just enjoy it, not consciencely but somewhere deep inside I just enjoy it. Stress has a way of waking me up, and the further I'm pushed the less grip I have of my destructive self. The less I care, the more free I feel, like I could just be washed away in the midst of this chaos all while laughing all the way down. I've hit the bottom a few times, have only ever taken but a few steps before hitting it again. Liberation, I feel liberated at times by it. Preferably I'd rather that everything be structured and in order as God had intended it, but there moments when I find this aspect of myself rising, things get harder, things get out of hand, chaos and stress bind together to form unfortunate circumstances and I in the middle of this great growing storm that threatens to wash away every aspect of myself and of my life. And I grow so arrogant, so confident, so proud in my adaptability that no one else shares, everything is on fire, panic is in the air and here I am adapting to it. In that moment when I'm just about to surrender myself to it- she appears, not as a savior but as a calm whisper. Like being in the eye of a storm, she's there gazing right back at me- I'm not raised up but rather I find my heart growing calm, quiet, weak with love beginning to stir in me. In that moment there's nothing greater then the sight of her, she's not some great Goddess...she's what I need, that calmness, meek, kind loving woman. And the reminder that I am only a man, and most fortunate to have her in my life. I could survive it that I know, but I'd rather spend it lovingly with her. Chaos is my mistress, but the calm whisper is my love.

Thursday, July 14th, 2016: Withdrawing

It's been an eventful weekend for us in our two days off, helping her collect the rest of her belongings from her old apartment into her home- wrapping up the loose end from her life and the vile creature that was once her friend. Now that I'm finally home after having spent well over a day with her it's as if I'm going through withdraws again, the beer doesn't work, the cigarettes won't,  the food doesn't either, and no matter how much time I spend staring at this computer I cannot stop the aching in my heart. I'm alone again, I thought I'd be mildly happy since I still consider myself much of an introvert but instead I find myself yearning. It's in these moments when I am away, when I am alone and not distracted that I realize I'm still very much in love with her. No one can fill the void in my heart as she does, and for the rest of this evening I am half empty until we meet again. I still miss her and for that I know I still love her. And here I thought it was obvious that she would miss me but underneath all this apathy and introverted shell is someone who misses her just as much as well. I'm happy that I can still feel this way after over a year. I hope I continue to hurt this way for as long as I can with her.

Wednesday, May 6th, 2015: The curse of balance

Today I discovered just how beautiful a woman can be, someone who I am falling for at the same rate as she is for me, no need for words when we can speak louder through affection, and she makes me so happy. I want her, desire only her, to spend all the time investing in her...I am smitten and this makes me happy. But with every happiness comes trouble and stress. I watched him struggle with breathe, my old friend Ku passed away right before my eyes, I could do little to save him and only watch as he struggled to release his last breathe and then...he was gone and again I remain unable to help him as I had on the day I watched my father pass away. I miss him and I miss my friend. With great happiness comes stress and trouble, the curse of balance. Is this really what God had intended?

Tuesday, April 28th, 2015: A pleasant day

In a time of disasters and tragedies, Nepal is crumbling and Baltimore is burning. The world is coming to an end while I'm suddenly having a pleasant day...How terribly self-absorbed of me.

Recently I have left my old job, the legacy of the Kettle corn will have to continue on without me. As of yesterday I started working in a senior living facility where I am to be a cook. While I've worked several years within the food industry as a front of the house attendant in bussing, food running, hosting, and everything else but serving, this experience with working in the kitchen is new to me...and for that I'm at an edge of an anxiety attack. I'm nervous and I've sensed this uneasiness from other staff members which is setting me at the edge...even discovered my boss has a nervous tick, while he tries to contain his impatience he does little to hide it. I can read him I can see where he's on the edge of exploding and it scares me. I've seen these kinds of people, almost every cook I've worked with has one...it's like a short fuse to a bomb and anyone who sets it off will be blasted.

But today everything went well, I've applied what I learned yesterday into today's dining and did far better at my job, and even had the chance to interact with the residents and I tell you my heart is swelled with a deep sense of respect and love for these residents. Never have I felt such joy in serving others then I have in working here, even if they're grumpy or demanding I understand....I understand, they've lived out their lives, good and bad things have happened, their life stories are far more interesting then my own...And they will receive the respect they deserve. And I thank God I had the opportunity to work here and I hope I'll get better at it to become a great cook despite the great amount of self-doubt I have. Because I enjoy it here, I want to continue to work here, and I pray that my heart never hardens to them that it will continue to swell with love and compassion for these people. I fear that stepping too close could result in heart ache later for this home may be the last they'll ever have.

To think I've searched for so long to find a bit of happiness on Earth, I was certain I'd find it in a woman of my life...never would I have guessed that I would find it within a group of senior citizens in a facility. I'm happy.

While there is great joy in my new line of work, I have also been experiencing a bit of sorrow as I'm finding more and more things that remind me of my father...I miss him.

Tuesday, April 14th, 2015: Kindness

The thoughts which came through my head as I had watched my father passed away was that life is cruel, that life holds no mercy towards even good men. He was so weak and frail, barely holding in there as his lungs were being pumped by a machine and his eyes shut with deep dark bags under them, he was in pitiful shape- the worst I have ever seen him, and I held onto his hand till they grew cold...

As I attempted to go about my daily routine, to try to put that tragedy behind me and not think about it...I was reminded of his character, his traits, his personality, his virtues and what made him the person he is. What I've learned is...is that kindness does not belong in this world, it has no place in this world, yes one can see nurturing hearts within animals but what of kindness? And that it is a weakness, to express kindness is to express weakness...maybe that's taking things too far but that's what the world is telling me, that's how the world is responding, and that's the truth it's screaming at me as I try to ignore it. Kindness does not belong here, kindness is a weakness.

Years. My father spent much of his time only expressing kindness and look where it got him...he's dead, he had a poor man's funeral, his late girlfriend may as well be suspected the murderer considering how many dead husbands she's gone through over the years and in the end she denied him as being anything significant to her, in his life he was divorced after two years, had his own son taken away thousands of miles with only ever being seen every few summers. And as for his son, his seed, his last remaining legacy....well that's another tragic tale to run it's course. And all he's ever expressed was joy, compassion, and kindness towards others...it is a weakness, it is not rewarded, it is merely a floor mat for others to step on.

 It is a weakness...As a worker I do much to take into consideration not only to the customer's needs but even those of my associates, I carry much weight on my shoulders each day in order to help, to be considerate, to do the right thing, in order to express 'kindness'. Today I learned- today I am reminded that kindness is not well received in this world, I'm not asking for a reward, to bring any sort of self-glory, and not really any thank yous either...I'm just asking that it's either returned, or that it is passed on. What I've seen is that it does nothing to stir the hearts. When I'm kind I am not a person, not another human being with his own life and his own experiences...No, I am a sub-human, a lesser weaker being, I am not to be taken seriously, I am not to be feared or respected. I am a lesser being. I am a weaker being...so the world says.

The whispers in my head repeat it over and over, reminds me again and again that Kindness does not belong in our society, does not belong in our world, it is a symptom of weakness...it is a weakness. And I prayed that the fruits that grow of my tree will stop producing it, that I may produce instead the rotted fruits of greed, bitterness, anger and hatred- that all the good fruits should be replaced with these vile fruits. And as I speak to a stranger in one of the most unfriendliest places in the world...I was reminded that kindness is much a part of me as I was to my father. And that the only way to stop that fruit from growing is to just...remove myself entirely. It is much a part of me, it is my natural response, it is a fragment of my very soul...it is a weakness. And I do not belong here.

Friday, April 12th 2015: Dim

And as with all things, all things will fade. Some sooner than later. Once again the whispers are back louder again reminding me of my self-worth, refreshing me as to why I desire the eternal silence, I thought something good would happen but I should of known better. I know my place, I'm not deserving of this happiness for I am a lesser being. The lowly of lowlies, the nothingness, the anomaly that should be rightfully removed....oh how I tempt death, but death craves not for those willing. I am a fool and this is where I belong. Isolated, damaged, and rotted. The torch has yet to be lit but I feel it may come to that...or maybe the bridge will be burned by the hands of another instead. We don't mean that much.

But in the midst of this there is some light, less that too be snuffed away. I am to be an uncle soon, my brother is going to start a family and break away from our curse of dysfunctional families. And I'm happy for him and his wife, I'm glad this has happened and I look forward to being an uncle. Also recently been hired to work within a senior facility, I believe this will be a great opportunity to change my life around a bit, to appreciate life more than to groan on and on about broken hearts. Instead of serving a bunch of one time tourists who I have little care for, I'll be instead serving a small community of elderly spirits who I can have compassion for and respect as they deserve. I'm excited, a prayer has been answered and maybe this will be a stepping stone into an abundant life, I am thankful, I am excited, I am so glad. So while there may be many doubtful thoughts and self-loathing, there are good things happening too and I look forward to them. It's not so dark after all.