August 29th 2010: Social life, please!

It would be a damn miracle for something social to suddenly happen. By social I of course mean deep relationships, dating and so forth. Today I was so close to asking....so close... But like the jittery coward that I am I quuickly retreat and don't say a thing. And let the gorgeous gal get away... *facepalm* It has been 2 years since I have been in a relationship and even that relationship lasted for exactly a month. Prior to that it was also another 2 years of inactivity. I feel stupid...I feel horrible...and like most heartbroken women I really crave icecream about now..problem is- I'm a man O_o...and we have no icecream in our house >( 
So with the lack of appetite, the exhaustion of work, and the disppointment of cowarding out...I wouldn't mind something out of the ordinary to just happen. The lesson God has taught me today was, that I am a fool- and this whole thing was my fault. "You are in control of your own distiney if you refuse my help" Obviously it didn't go well as planned...I just hope I see that gorgeous girl within the next month.....or before I lose my sanity. Cause being antisocial is really driving me crazy. Its all my fault...damnit

August 14th, 2010: Where are you, God?

I will admit that I have had friend in the past who I would talk to, but then shortly after when an occasion would occur I would be left out on purpose. I've had bestfriends who I've known for six years and would often cease to talk to me when they are dating someone. They wouldn't call, they wouldn't visit, they wouldn't even say Hi from class to class, they would act as though I did not exist to them, and most of all would greatly under value our friendship...but God, what you are doing to me-well it seems far worse.

 See before all of this, I use to believe that when everyone else abandons me that you would be there. But now it seems when things are about to go down hill, that you are the first one to leave me.  See for the last couple of months I have prayed for my family-and even at this pleaing moment nothing has gotten better. And you keep doing is trying to continue reminding me how blessed I am. I want an actual response from you, a response from my prayers! I'm tired, tired of the people who undervalue me I want to prove to them I am sure as hell something more! I am tired of my family drama for damn sakes we hardly share a laugh! I am tired of feeling alone-when you are suppose to be there. I throw burdens at you but they seem to land on me, I just want you to listen, I want a reply! My family is breaking, my mind is snapping, and my blessings are being seen as empty. I want justice to those who wronged me, I want peace from quarrels, I want to feel like I am progressing towards something rather then slowly turning into nothing. Please leave the nightmares in my unconscience world and keep them away from the awakening world. Where are you God? And why haven't you answered me?