June 27th, 2010: The Past

It seems like within the last month there has been a turn in things. I wished this could of happened last year or even  better yet the Junior Year of Highschool. Starting with my acceptance that Columbia Chicago College will have to wait for another-who knows when, years.
 Shortly after, out of the knowledge that I will be in Florida much longer then expected (And the bloody dreaful heat down here) I cut my hair right away.

Then I went on to looking into St Pete College and possibly studying in an old time desired careeer in Engineering (towards mechanical). After my mom had broken my arm I have began challenging a great fear of mine- driving. I was terrified for my own life everytime I stood behind the driver seat, afraid that I will either be hit or be the one hitting.

 And rescently I have eh forgiven someone who I had greatly hated passionately for the last year (6 years of being bestfriends, betrayed for thier new friend). And I have decided to go back to pursuing a Godly way, to avoid spitting back to the faces of those who did me wrong but instead to wipe off the spit, keep a straight face and continue walking foward. Ignoring the hateful remarks said to me but not ignoring the voice of God's Spirit.

It is tough because I still feel like the world wants to look down on me, and sometimes I feel so overwhelmed to just scream and knock things over. But I will take to knowledge and in my own doings put Christ as my priority. And I will try as much as an effort as I can to put away the old me, and to go with the Christ. Maybe then the residue of the bitterness will finally be gone. Maybe all grudges will be in a sea of forgetfulness. I am changing, I am walking,  and I hope the day comes when I will not feel self righteous over the title of being called a Christian nor that I would feel shameful for such an undeserved title. Maybe one day I will smile because I know Christ knows me. And that my heart has fully surrender to His will.

June 25th, 2010: Muses

Its funny how my inspiration tends to work, there can't ever be a day when I am uninspired. Either I am inspired by something great, joyful, blissful and loving or I could be inspired by a dark, hateful, vengeful, angry feelings. Its as though I have personal muses that visit me at certain times of my life. They inspire me to write, to observe, to create, and to hate. But lately it seems that a sleeping muse is about to wake, its been 2 years since our last encounter which was only a month. Shortly after the muse of grief followed. But it looks like a soon awakening of a muse. I just hope that if this does occur that it will last more then a month. Even though I have said I'm better off alone, in truth you can't have even 1/4 the fun by yourself. Can't wait to see my old friend again..To the sleeping Muse, you'd best hope its going to be worth our time.

June 19th, 2010

Just when I was so close to forgiving. Just when I was close to give in and to let go of the grudges, looking back at them... F#*k it. I'm going to forgive them, but I don't want them to ever know that I did so. It would be best to avoid them all together. Its obvious they haven't changed either.

June 19th, 2010

How is one suppose to to react to being betrayed by one's best friend? How is one suppose to stay mad at them but at the same time being continuously reminded of the best times spent with them? When they were the most valued friend suddenly becoming a hated traitor the next moment? When the memories pains you both consciencely and unconsciencely? Its not that I am searching for a way to forgive the backslahing, or to let go of the grudge, but rather how am I suppose to forget a great friend that had impacted my life so well but backstabbed me in the end? If I could forget thier names, maybe I would be a happier man. If they didn't do it, I would have been much happier...we could of had fun, we could shared thousands of more laughs, millions of more memories but...but they made thier choice.

June 15th,2010

"Our televisions saw the red mist yesterday by playing reruns of  all the soap opras we hate, and then they played songs of praise. Its just another sorry Sunday" - Sunday by the Wombats. (Not related to the message)

Musing about something that doesn't exist. Ignoring something that does. I strongly dislike good dreams, it gives me a warm feeling despite that the reality is, that it never happened and it never will.