Sunday, August 7th 2016: The calm in the storm

Sometimes I just enjoy it, not consciencely but somewhere deep inside I just enjoy it. Stress has a way of waking me up, and the further I'm pushed the less grip I have of my destructive self. The less I care, the more free I feel, like I could just be washed away in the midst of this chaos all while laughing all the way down. I've hit the bottom a few times, have only ever taken but a few steps before hitting it again. Liberation, I feel liberated at times by it. Preferably I'd rather that everything be structured and in order as God had intended it, but there moments when I find this aspect of myself rising, things get harder, things get out of hand, chaos and stress bind together to form unfortunate circumstances and I in the middle of this great growing storm that threatens to wash away every aspect of myself and of my life. And I grow so arrogant, so confident, so proud in my adaptability that no one else shares, everything is on fire, panic is in the air and here I am adapting to it. In that moment when I'm just about to surrender myself to it- she appears, not as a savior but as a calm whisper. Like being in the eye of a storm, she's there gazing right back at me- I'm not raised up but rather I find my heart growing calm, quiet, weak with love beginning to stir in me. In that moment there's nothing greater then the sight of her, she's not some great Goddess...she's what I need, that calmness, meek, kind loving woman. And the reminder that I am only a man, and most fortunate to have her in my life. I could survive it that I know, but I'd rather spend it lovingly with her. Chaos is my mistress, but the calm whisper is my love.

Thursday, July 14th, 2016: Withdrawing

It's been an eventful weekend for us in our two days off, helping her collect the rest of her belongings from her old apartment into her home- wrapping up the loose end from her life and the vile creature that was once her friend. Now that I'm finally home after having spent well over a day with her it's as if I'm going through withdraws again, the beer doesn't work, the cigarettes won't,  the food doesn't either, and no matter how much time I spend staring at this computer I cannot stop the aching in my heart. I'm alone again, I thought I'd be mildly happy since I still consider myself much of an introvert but instead I find myself yearning. It's in these moments when I am away, when I am alone and not distracted that I realize I'm still very much in love with her. No one can fill the void in my heart as she does, and for the rest of this evening I am half empty until we meet again. I still miss her and for that I know I still love her. And here I thought it was obvious that she would miss me but underneath all this apathy and introverted shell is someone who misses her just as much as well. I'm happy that I can still feel this way after over a year. I hope I continue to hurt this way for as long as I can with her.